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I Told My Partner This
We are great together. You're one of my best friends and I don’t want to lose what we have. Have you noticed anything wrong in the last few months? What do you think has been going on? Do you feel different about me? In the past few weeks, I’ve just been so worn down. My Dad keeps asking me for more money than I already give him, Teresa won’t return any of my calls, Kathy keeps telling me I need to do something to help Teresa while she’s a millionaire, I’m having so much stress and anxiety about what my next career moves should be, my Aunt and cousins wanted me to come over to ask for money, and things haven’t felt right between us lately. It feels like everyone has been picking at me and I just don’t have any gas left in the tank. I snapped. I want to tell you about what I’ve been feeling, specifically, but I’ve been so worried that you weren’t going to understand or empathize— or worse, break up with me after hearing about what I feel. It’s so hard for me to explain and I think for someone that doesn’t feel this way to understand. I hope, at the very least, you can respect the fact that this is so difficult for me talk about and that it’s taking a lot of courage for me to look you in the eyes and tell you about this. Please listen to me and ask me questions, but hear everything before you make any judgments or decisions. Nothing here is meant to be an attack or a defense, I just want you to learn about what I feel. I often feel like no one cares about me; I feel like I'm insignificant to my partner, just like I was to my parents; and I’m afraid of being used just like my family uses me. I grew up in an environment of being neglected one minute and being yelled at and beaten up the next. My parents didn’t want me and it hurt so much knowing that my whole life. My mom constantly abused me and told me that I ruined her life from the first moment I can remember until I moved out. Maverick is in a phase of his life where he is starting to build confidence from the things that you’re saying to him: great job, you’re so smart, etc. When he points to something to show you, he’s really asking for your attention. Imagine if instead of giving him that attention and looking and acknowledging his discovery, you picked up a clothes iron and hit him with it. Then, you told him that he ruined your life and he’s the reason that you can’t get married and he’s the reason that you’re poor. Growing up like that and knowing that my parents didn’t love me the way that parents should; the way that my friends’ parents loved their kids, fucked me up. It made me broken inside, for real. There will always be a hole in my heart that can’t be filled up 100%, like a gas tank with a hole in it. And when I start to get to E, I start breaking down. I’m really great when my tank is full. I’m productive, full of confidence, ready to take on the world. It seems like a lot of what’s wrong with me stems from this hole in my heart, my difficulty empathizing with people, my needing extra affection, my hyper-vigilance. Do you remember when we were at the beach house and David said, “Look at this motherfucker’s face. Bliss!” The look on my face wasn’t just bliss, it was being soothed. By scratching my head, you were filling up my gas tank. You were giving me my life energy back. I’m predisposed to being jumpy and neurotic because of being beaten as a child. When I get that kind of affection, it soothes me and calms me down. It brings my stress down. It makes me feel like EVERYTHING IS OK.. I AM LOVED. For just one fucking second, I feel like I’m not broken anymore, I’m completely normal. Growing up, I got myself into very unhealthy relationships because I was looking for this. I was searching for someone to help me fill the hole, not realizing that it’s like a gas tank with a hole in it and it can never be filled. Remember, when we talked about how some women give their guys get A,B,C,D,E.. etc? Well, I was getting the whole alphabet and encouraging it using fear. Being immature, having little relationship experience, and zero guidance, I had unhealthy relationships after another. I finally learned that I wanted to be soothed and cared for from love, not fear. It’s completely disingenuous when it comes from fear. In my last relationship, I tried to foster that kind of environment and ultimately it didn’t work and I almost got stabbed. I think she was just the wrong person for me. I decided to take some time off from partnering and I did for a couple years. I shut off my emotions and I wasn’t able to feel the hole in my heart or anything else. Then when we started dating, you made me feel again without trying. I wanted to try the partnership thing again and again have shared feelings and affection that come from a good place instead of a bad place. However, I made two big mistakes. Every time you soothed me, I used positive reinforcement to encourage you to do again and more often. That was stupid because positive reinforcement is a kind of control. I do not want to be in a relationship in which any partner is controlling the other. That also takes away from the experience of being soothed and cared for because it didn’t come from the other person, it’s just coming from me. My second big mistake was thinking that you knew it meant a lot to me when you soothed me, but you were withholding because you don’t really care about me. You are so good at picking up on things, especially emotionally and socially, I thought for sure you could read my mind. I thought it was obvious that when I would give you a scalp massage, you would magically know that I was treating you this way because I want to be treated this way and I want scalp massages all the time too. I also thought that you didn’t want to make me feel better (and more accurately, put in the effort to make me feel better) because: (a) You don't care about me as much as I care about you, (b) You don't trust me.. Perhaps you're scared to put in more effort because you're worried you’ll be hurt more if I end up betraying you, or (c) I don't demonstrate to you that I would do the things you need (or want) and you're afraid of things being uneven. These thoughts would compound and send me into an obsessive cycle of thinking about how just like everyone in my family, the people that are supposed to care about me, you didn’t really care about me too. I had transferred emotions. Not only is there a hole in the gas tank now, but I’m driving full speed and I’m burning anything that’s left. I would think about this so much and try to analyze every aspect to the furthest level sending me into a really depressed state. There were times that I was in so much pain over it, I would even straight up ask you for something that would soothe me, like a back rub, just to pull me out. You would tell me that you would do it and that you were going to go all out and use baby oil and that made me excited and feel like you really wanted to soothe me from the bottom of your heart, not just because I asked. Then when it didn’t happen, I would die inside. I felt like everything you said wasn’t true and that you didn’t really care about me. Nothing could make me feel less important to you and insignificant. Then, I would start to think about how you didn’t want to put any effort forward when giving me affection and I would start to obsessively watch and hope you would come around. I noticed that our sex was less passionate and that you felt closed off to me. Oral sex has been so rare for us that it feels like you don’t want to do anything that’s just for me. And then, I would start imagining you doing all of the things I was hoping you wanted to do for me to other guys from your past. I would think about how you were wanting to go out of your way to give them pleasure and soothe them, but I wasn’t worth your effort. What’s wrong with me that she only wants to give me a blowjob once every three months when she probably gave other guys them every other night. I’m not good enough. I’m broken. I’ve been afraid to tell you all of this clearly because, to me, either outcome was going to be horrible. Either (a) you were going to leave me because now that you know how I feel and that I have a hole in my tank, you don’t care about me enough to want to put forth the extra effort it takes to be with me compared someone else, or (b) you want to put forth that effort, but now that you know how I feel, it wouldn’t be coming from a place of love and caring for me, it would come from a place of fear of losing me or out of a sense of duty to take care of your man and I don’t want that. And on top of that, you might make me feel bad for being this way, or being a burden to you like I was to my mom. I want you to WANT TO soothe me and make me feel good and keep my tank at F. I want you to touch me more and be as affectionate as you can with me so I’m not so shaky and nervous. That’s why I haven’t wanted to talk about any of this. And I genuinely, really want to do for you the things that make you feel happy. I believe a relationship is half about helping someone else and half about helping yourself, but ultimately it’s about two people helping each other to be better and have better lives. I remember when you were let go from IM you were so sad. I just wanted to take you out so hopefully I could take some of your worry away. I really was thinking about that a lot in the beginning. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to take you for me too, but it really was 50/50. I’m so mad at myself for not figuring out how to talk to you about YOU. I want to know what things I can do for you, but when I ask bluntly, I don’t get a clear answer. That’s because you’re not wired to talk about what you want openly. I didn’t do what I was supposed to so that you could feel comfortable in telling me what you want and what you like. This is what I was trying to get across to you at the wedding.. I know I failed hard. I want to learn about you, Shayna-Marie. I want to know what I can do to bring you up when you’re down. I’ve only a figured out a few things so far, but I know there’s sooooo much more to know and I still don’t know how to find out. I know you like being silly and you like it when I’m funny. I know you like flowers, especially Dahlias. I know you really like Korean BBQ. But, those are just superficial things I have no idea what kinds of affection you need to feel good. Remember when we talked about the languages of love? I was trying to find out then, but I didn’t know how to get you to open up about it. I have no idea what you think about when you cum. In fact, I have no idea what you like sexually, at all. I don’t know any fantasies or things I do that you like or don’t like. I want you to open up to me a little more so I can more effectively give you what you want and need. I’m so worried that you don’t open up to me because you don’t think we’re going to last, so what’s the point. I do think we’re going to last. I’ve never felt this way about anyone EVER, EVER-EVER. I love you and if you’re ok with taking care of me a little here and there, I will do everything I can to make you the happiest you can be.
Distrust
Humans would grow exponentially as a species if we could do away with distrust. If no one ever had a secret and all thoughts are known by others, then we would use collective thought to grow.
Jake, the Realist
We, people, have created a Papier-mâché, semi-transparent social construct to help cope with the fact that we have no idea why we’re here. There are a lot of common ways to cope, most are just in denial to create a reality that is more palatable. Most people have done this to such an extent that they are incapable of reverting back to previous “truths”. Jake is one of the few that never did. Jake accidentally spread word of the real truth. It gets out of hand and he is forced to try and stop it. He fails. People actually start being “real”. The World becomes a paradise. FIN
Archive
122 ideas
Back to New Tech Over Business
How do we get back to testing and spending time with new tech? Over business stuff that takes us away from what we really love? The shape of the day has been pulled toward operating the business — Autotask, scorecards, client meetings, ops portal — and away from the part that was the original reason to build any of it: hands on a new model, new framework, new tool, seeing what it can do. Question to sit with: which weekly recurring blocks belong to the business operator role vs. the tinkerer? Is there a Friday afternoon (or Sunday morning) carved out for "new tech only — no client work, no portal work, no email"? What would it take to defend it like a client meeting? Possible thread: when the business runs well enough on automation that operating it is the smaller share, the tinkering comes back naturally. So the real question might be — which 3-5 ops surfaces are eating the most operator time right now, and which of those are actually automatable vs. genuinely require a human?
Jess, treat me a little like Kian sometimes
I want Jess to treat me somewhat like Kian sometimes — so I can get more of what I didn't get from mom: affection and love. Not a role swap, not all the time. Just occasional moments where the gentleness, patience, and uncomplicated warmth she gives him lands on me too. The version of love that doesn't need to be earned or performed. The version a small kid gets just for existing. That's the thing missing. That's what I'm still chasing.
Apple AI Voice Reproduction for Texts
Apple should build AI voice reproduction into iMessage — when you receive a text, you can tap to hear it read in the sender's actual voice. Makes texting more personal and emotional. Apple already has the hardware ecosystem and privacy positioning to do this right (on-device voice model trained from calls/voice memos). Turns cold text into something that feels like the person is talking to you. Also: watch YouTube videos on short-term future tech predictions — good source of sparks like this.
Rice and Bread: Cultural Inertia, Not Taste
You don't like rice and bread because they're just not that good. People are into them because we've been into them for millennia. We needed them as an efficient food source — calorie-dense, storable, scalable. The love for them has just been passed down generation after generation. It's not about flavor; it's about survival momentum that became cultural identity.
I Can Build Stuff
After seeing my for-anthropic page live, something clicked — I can build stuff. I can *see* it. The page isn't just a static site, it could be an app. Features, interactivity, the whole thing. The gap between idea and built thing feels smaller than it used to.
Hard Work Compounds
It's not wasted that I've been a hard worker. I'll stay sharp as I get older. I can handle more stress and burden.
Am I Living Up to Who I Want to Be?
My Aunt Tiabeh told me I was her favorite because I remind her of her husband — a man whose kids are close with him and love him because he dedicated his life to his family. She juxtaposed that with my father, who never did. She said she was sorry I had to grow up like that, and that she's proud of me for "building my life around my family." Her comment made me wonder: how often do I actually ask myself if I'm living up to the person I want to be? Not in a self-critical way — more like a compass check. Am I pointed in the right direction? The moments that matter most to me aren't business wins or financial milestones. They're the ones where someone who's known me my whole life looks at me and says, "you turned out good."
Intentional Experiences
- Listening to an entire album front-to-back is so much better than radio/shuffle, but I never remember that until I do it - Putting something on to listen to via AirPods while doing chores transforms the experience, but I forget that too - There are these small upgrades to everyday moments that I've discovered before, loved, and then completely lost - Why does my brain default back to the lower-effort version every time? - It's like I keep rediscovering the same life hacks over and over — the friction of being intentional resets to zero - Maybe the answer is a system: a short list of "things I already know make life better" that I actually see regularly
What needs to happen in order to move faster?
- You can’t use AI in “yolo” mode! Something bad might happen. Slow down and do it right. - I have backups so that I can move fast. - The question shouldn’t be how do we get there safely? It should be what needs to happen in order to move faster? - You need to have backups in place. Now, you can move faster.
You need to start coding EVERYTHING
- Keep making n8n’s - Get into the weeds of the code and figure out all the ways something can be done - Then, use those ways to find better automation and workflows for biz
Forced WiFi
There should be a profile that gets pushed out at venues (like Opera), that disable phones and set them to dim clocks.
Buy Businesses and Build Them
- You were meant to do this - Buy a Business - Create Value - Fix Things - Sell It Quickly - Repeat
Becoming Your Better Self
When I want to change, I just pretend to be the version of myself that I want. Next, I just become that person and never look back.
What was I thinking?
Working on home projects is so much fun. I’ve just accomplished a few great ones: - NUTS on all necessary servers - New Sonos - Converted IoT to Rack Switch - Ansible Semaphore - Move to HAProxy This makes me feel very fulfilled and satisfied. You need to do this way, way more often.
Albums are much better than the radios
You don’t hear the hits you want to hear and usually the album is more interesting
Improve motion in 3D art
You just have to add an AI algorithm taught on human motion on video, then overlay the approximation from motion capture. 50/50 might look really good.
The Best Gift for My Sisters
The best gift that I can give my sisters is a brother. Show up more and give your time.
We Share This in Common
Jess and I share the opinion that treating each other well (in spite of any negatives) delivers the highest quality of life. I love the fact that we are smart enough to realize that and we’ve agreed to it.
Practicing Whistling Is Fun
You actually a decent job with Doja Cat - Kiss Me More
I Still Want to Be Marcus Limonis
He truly has the best job on Earth